If you need help as you grieve,

Grieving

Grief is agony. You can't get away from it. As CS Lewis said, "The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal." And when you are in the midst of grief, you may well feel the price is too high.

Many people find losing a cat is actually harder than losing a human loved one. This is not as surprising as it might first appear, because we often spend far more time with our cats than with our human relatives, and our relationships with our cats are usually far simpler than those with humans, where there may be some emotional baggage. Cats, however, are always there, never judging us, always pleased to see us. Sometimes without us even realising it, they are the centre of our home. No wonder we miss them so when they are gone!

I have now lost nine cats. I lost four of them in less than a year, two old ladies (both aged sixteen) and two kittens. I lost one of my old ladies first, very suddenly and unexpectedly, followed six weeks later by one of the kittens. Nine months later I lost another kitten, followed less than two weeks later by my other old lady. So believe me, I know loss and I know grief. This page attempts to help you along this horrible journey.

Part of the grief process entails finding a new normal. This often hurts, because you do not want to surrender your old normal; in fact, you'd like it back right now. Sadly, that is not possible, so you will have to find your new normal, though you will of course take as long as you need to do that.

• Grief stages

• Grief and time

• Grief and emotions

  • numbness

  • difficulty functioning normally

  • emptiness

  • guilt, regret and bargaining

  • anger

  • relief

  • isolation

  • worrying about an afterlife

• Grief and other family members

• Marvie's experiences

• denial

• anger

• bargaining

• depression

• acceptance

The five stages of grief discusses the process in more detail (scroll down a bit to find the stages).

You will not necessarily experience all of these stages, and grief is not linear so you may experience them in a different order or find yourself dipping in and out of them; but you will find your own way to get through. Some people need professional help, and there is no shame in that.

Notice I said get through. Grief is not about getting over your loss. Grief is about finding a way to live without the loved one's physical presence in your life.

Grief is a rollercoaster and once you have boarded the ride, you cannot get off, even though you will wish you could. Keep hanging on. The ride does end eventually. Loss will change you forever, though not always in bad ways.

If you feel suicidal, please do seek help. When I was sixteen, I saw a young man commit suicide. He jumped off a bridge and maintained eye contact with me as he fell. It was only for a couple of seconds but it felt like hours. It still haunts me to think of the pain he must have been feeling and that I was unable to help. If this website has helped you at all, please, for my sake, find the help you need to get through this. You can get through it, I promise. Please contact your medical professional, the US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or The Samaritans.

Thoughts on grief by John O'Donoghue discusses the rollercoaster of grief.

Washington State University College of Veterinary Medicine explains more about the various stages of grief.

Grief and Time

I know it is hard to believe that you will get through grief when you are in the middle of it and can see no end in sight, but you will. It can be particularly scary if you have never experienced grief before. Grief is a process, but there is no right or wrong way to get through, and how long it takes is very variable. Take no notice of insensitive people who say things like "I thought you'd be over this by now." This is your unique experience, and you take as long as you need.

Do not panic if you are at the beginning of your grief journey and do not see how you can survive this pain. The pain of grief often comes in waves, meaning it ebbs and flows, and it does lessen over time for most people, so do not fear that you will always feel as bad as you do right now, because that is unlikely. You may have some days that are worse than others (anniversaries are hard), but although it may not feel like it to you, you will be making progress on your journey.

When you first lose a beloved cat, you will probably focus a lot on time. You will think a lot about time markers, such as "this time yesterday/a week ago/a month ago s/he was still alive." You may wish to rewind the clock so you can simply be together again, or you may keep wishing you could turn back the clock so you could do things differently.

You may find that every day you dread reaching the time on the clock when your cat died. When Tanya died, I found 9.30 p.m. on Sundays very hard for months.

Time is also agony first thing in the morning. It can be both the best and worst part of the day when you wake up each day and for a second or two all is right with your world until you suddenly remember your loss again.

Grief and loss are a process, and marking time in this way is part of that process. We all wish desperately that we could turn the clock back, while knowing that is impossible.

Time is also a strange thing when we look back on our cats' lives. So many people seem to focus on the last few weeks or days of their cat's illness, forgetting about the often many happy years that came before. I do this a lot myself.

When you are  grieving, time drags. Days last forever. And every day you can feel one day further away from your precious cat.

You may not realise it, but you are slowly moving forward on your grief journey, often imperceptibly. It is a truism, but time is indeed a healer.

Grief and Emotions

Grief is like a rollercoaster ride, with many emotions being experienced, often very close together. Although grieving is very individual, some emotions are felt by many people after a loss. Here are some of the emotions and experiences which you may face during the various stages of grief:

• numbness

• difficulty functioning normally

• emptiness

• guilt, regret and bargaining

• anger

• relief

• isolation

• worrying about an afterlife

Numbness

Immediately after a bereavement, people often feel numb, and their loss does not seem real. This can be both comforting and alarming, because you expect to feel something.

It's almost like you're living a nightmare, and it doesn't quite feel real because at the back of your mind you know you will soon wake up and it will all be gone, which of course sadly doesn't happen.

Numbness is normal, especially if your loss is sudden and/or unexpected, and is your mind's way of helping you cope. It usually wears off after a few days, at which point you will probably wish you could go back to feeling numb again.

Difficulty Functioning Normally

When you are bereaved, you have had a big and painful change in your life, so it is natural to feel as if you are wading through mud. You will often find doing normal routine things is very hard, taking a lot of energy which you do not have. Extreme fatigue is a normal sign of grief.

Some people are unable to sleep, but I slept a lot and I welcomed sleep (I could not remember any dreams during this time, but some people are able to dream of their cat and find it very comforting), because it took my mind off my loss. The downside was it meant that every time I woke up I had to go through that horrible split second when I hoped it had all been a nightmare, only to realise it was all too true. 

Every time I have lost a cat, I have also completely lost my appetite for the first few days afterwards. Everything tastes like cardboard, and I have to force myself to eat. Despite doing so, I lose weight (the only positive thing about grief; thanks, cats). I also feel sick, and sometimes I actually am sick.

It can be difficult dealing with practical matters, such as what to do with your cat's belongings. Some people want to put them away immediately, others cannot bear to move them even if they don't have any other cats because it feels like a betrayal to do so. Just do whatever feels right for you.

Emptiness

When you lose a much loved cat, it is inevitable that you will feel a gaping void in your life.  This feeling can be exacerbated when you lose a cat to CKD, because you were probably spending a lot of time caring for your cat, and all that time suddenly becomes available again and can lie heavy on your hands. Your routine has disappeared and you feel rudderless. Everything seems grey.

This can be particularly hard if you are a person who likes to solve problems, which is often true of men. You have been working hard at helping your cat, and now not only are you no longer doing that, but you probably blame yourself for not solving your cat's CKD problem, even though it is not a soluble problem.

You probably need a rest anyway, but if time is lying heavy on your hands, try to do small things each day that occupy your mind a little, even if they are still focused on your cat — some people have found it helpful to make a scrapbook about their cat, for example. See below for more tips on this. Alternatively, do something you couldn't do while your cat was sick, such as going to the cinema. 

Guilt, Regret and Bargaining

Ah, the biggies. These emotions are an extremely common reaction to bereavement, so it is highly likely that you will find yourself regretting and blaming yourself for something you did or did not do.

This is the stage when you torture yourself with all the "what ifs." If only I had fed my cat a different food. If only I'd been more diligent with the phosphorus binders. I wonder if I acted too quickly. I wonder if I left things too late. If only I could have my cat back, I would never do anything bad ever again.

Close behind this comes the guilt. Many, many people feel guilty for not noticing their cats' CKD sooner, even though this is actually normal — you cannot usually detect CKD until at least 66% of function is gone.

People feel guilty for choosing euthanasia, and for not choosing euthanasia. They feel guilty for having their cats put to sleep too soon, and for waiting too long. Whatever decision they made, whatever happened, whether it was within their control or not, they find something to feel guilty about. There are many strong contenders for medal places in the Guilt Olympics.

Relief

One taboo subject is feeling a sense of relief after your cat has died. This is actually normal when you have been caring for a terminally ill patient. If you analyse your feelings, you will probably find that you are not feeling relief that your cat has died; rather, you are feeling relief that the CKD is gone, that you are able to climb off the emotional rollercoaster. You are feeling relief from the stress and uncertainty, and there is no shame in that.

If you do feel this way, try not to feel guilty. Instead, focus on all the care you gave your cat and remember that your cat would never reproach you for carrying on with your life after he or she is gone. You have carried the responsibility for your cat's life daily for however long, and it is stressful. Harpsie had a lot of health issues throughout his life, and although I gladly helped him, it wasn't until after we lost him and I no longer had to worry about his wellbeing that I realised how stressful it had been. I certainly missed Harpsie but I didn't miss that stress.

Isolation

One of the hardest things to cope with can be a feeling of isolation. Many people are very uncomfortable with the idea of death and simply do not know what to say to the bereaved.

Also, many people simply do not understand why we grieve for cats. People make tactless comments which can really hurt, such as "it was only a cat" or "you can always get another one." I wonder if they would also say to somebody who had just lost a child or spouse "why don't you get another one?"

The comment I found most hurtful when Tanya died was "well, at least you have another cat", as if cats are interchangeable. In the end, I used to point out that although Harpsie certainly was an exceptional cat, he had not mastered the art of being both himself and Tanya simultaneously.

Try to remember that these people are well-meaning, if misguided and seek support elsewhere (see below). If anybody you don't particularly want to talk to about your loss does ask, say something simple such as "it's hard for me to talk about at the moment, but thank you for asking." Always remember that your feelings are perfectly valid and that there is nothing wrong in feeling your grief. Feeling grief shows that you are capable of love, hardly something to be ashamed of. 

Grief can be particularly hard to cope with during the holiday season. Being surrounded by people who appear happy and who are in party mood can make you feel even more isolated. To anyone grieving this holiday season (2016) Coriell E Huffington Post has some tips on how to cope at such times.

Worrying About an Afterlife

I am sometimes asked by Christians whether I believe that animals go to heaven. I'm no theologian, but I believe that if humans do, so do cats. It wouldn't be much of a heaven for me without my cats!

The traditional Christian view is that human souls survive the death of the body, but many believe that this is not the case for animals. Some people believe this is because humans are capable of sin, so they will not automatically go to heaven, whereas animals are incapable of sin, so there is no need to mention them going to heaven specifically because they do not need to cleanse and redeem themselves.

James Herriot said "If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans."

Do pets go to heaven? Clarifying Christianity discusses whether pets go to heaven.

Heaven — not what you think? Waldron T also considers this.

Do pets go to heaven? (2010) Daly J discusses this issue.

I Will See You In Heaven (2011) Wintz J Paraclete Press is a book on the subject. It is available from Amazon and Amazon UK.

People who do not believe in an afterlife may feel that their loss is harder to bear because they have nothing to look forward to. I believe that love survives. The physical body may be gone, but the love, the energy of the cat, lives on. Just because you can no longer see your cat, does not mean s/he is not present in some way. I have lost count of the number of people who have told me they have caught a glimpse of their deceased cat out of the corner of their eye (this has happened to me too).

Albert Einstein said “Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”

Rainbow Bridge is the story of a place where animals wait for their humans until they are able to enter heaven together.

Animal Reincarnation — Everything You Always Wanted to Know! (2011) Atwater B Createspace Independent Publishing Platform discusses reincarnation.

Despite your own grief, you may find yourself having to support other family members in their grief too.

• Children

• Other feline family members

Supporting Children

It can be particularly hard watching your  children grieve, because nobody likes to see their children in pain.

Try to be honest and to use simple, clear language. Be careful about using the expression "put to sleep" when talking to children, because they often do not fully understand this concept and it can make them afraid to go to sleep in case they too never wake up. 

Encourage them to talk and express their fears, and let them see that you are grieving too and that there is nothing wrong in feeling this way and talking about it. Making memorials of some kind (see below) can help children mourn.

Helping children deal with the loss of a pet Animal Hospital of Rowlett Veterinary Clinic has some information on how children of different ages view death and how to help children deal with grief.

Other Feline Family Members

You may also have to deal with other feline family members who are distressed by the loss of their companion.

Surviving cats may search for their companion or become subdued. Owners' perceptions of their animal's behavioural response to the loss of an animal companion (2016) Walker JK, Waran NK & Phillips CJC Animals 6(68) found that people who had lost a cat or dog observed behavioural changes in their surviving animals, "including increased affectionate behaviour, territorial behaviour, and changes in food consumption and vocalisation." The study concludes that further studies are necessary "to establish whether these behavioural changes are indeed a reflection of loss, result from a reduction in competition for resources or are a consequence of change in owner behaviour resulting from either their own feelings of grief or concern that their companion animal is grieving."

Personally, I think our other cats are grieving in their own way. Harpsie fell into a deep decline after Tanya died.

Try to keep to your normal routine for your cats' sake, so feed them at the usual times and make sure they do eat.

Talk to your surviving cat(s). I always talk to my cats, and not in baby talk but with an adult tone — after all, they are adults, just of a different species. Tell them what has happened and give them lots of love and attention. It can help to comfort all of you.

Flower essences (see Holistic Treatments) may help here, particularly Star of Bethlehem, as may homeopathic ignatia.

Seven ways to help your cat through a grieving period (2014) Krieger M Catster has some suggestions on helping grieving cats.

Other

The Samaritans

Available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, by phone or e-mail. You do not have to be suicidal to contact The Samaritans — they are always happy to talk to anybody who is grieving or distressed. Their service is completely free and confidential. 

The following sites contain compilations of various grief support resources, though it is not always easy to tell how old they are.

Cat Chat

Land of Pure Gold

Rainbow Bridge

Chance's Spot

Telephone Support

UK

The Blue Cross

offers a free pet bereavement service. Call 0800 096 6606 (free call) between 8.30 a.m. and 8.30 p.m. any day (there is an answerphone outside these hours) and you will be given the details of your nearest telephone befriender. This service is completely free apart from the cost of your call to your nearest befriender (which is charged at the local rate wherever possible), and all calls are confidential.

The Samaritans

Offer telephone support in the UK and Republic of Ireland every minute of the day. You don't have to be suicidal to call them.

USA

Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine

Offers a support hotline, provided by veterinary students trained by professional grief counsellors, which is available between 6 p.m. and 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The phone number is (607) 218 7457.

The Veterinary Social Network

is linked to the University of Tennessee College of Veterinary Medicine. They offer four free individual, family or couple grief support sessions, or eight for clients of the college. They also offer an in-house pet loss support group.

Resources

Websites

Coping with the loss of your companion animal (2013) University of Minnesota Veterinary Medical Center is a helpful booklet about coping with grief and loss.

Softpaw has the story of Rainbow Bridge, and also Choices by Anne Kolaczyk (also known as "You have chosen tears").

Teri Pike has a movie version of the Rainbow Bridge story.

Poetic Expressions has a collection of poems about grief.

The Zen of cat Willis J The Daily Mews is a story about the cycle of life and letting go.

Coping with grief: guided spoken meditation Stephenson J offers a guided meditation on youtube.

Music

Books

The following books are either books I recommend myself or books which have been recommended by members of Tanya's Feline Loss Support Group.

Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet (2015)

Moira Anderson Allen

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

Grief Recovery Handbook for Pet Loss (2014)

Russell Friedman, Cole James & John James

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

The Pet Loss Companion (2013)

Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio and Nancy Saxton-Lopez

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

Soul Comfort for Cat Lovers (2012)

Liz Eastwood

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

The Loss of a Pet (2005)

Wallace Sife

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

When Your Pet Dies: A Guide to Mourning, Remembering and Healing (2004)

Alan Wolfelt

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

Grieving the Death of a Pet (2003)

Betty J Carmack

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

Absent Friend (2000)

Laura and Martyn Lee

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

Goodbye, Dear Friend (1998)

Virginia Ironside

• Amazon

• Amazon UK

This is something that worries many people, both whether to do it, and if so, when to do it.

Whether to get another cat is automatic for some people. They always have cats, and if one dies, they get another. There are also people who are not planning to get a cat, but somebody asks them to rehome a cat and suddenly they have a cat again.

At the other extreme are people who never get another cat at all because they simply cannot face the thought of having to go through the pain of bereavement again at some point in the future. Other people may not get another cat for practical reasons, e.g. they are shortly moving home, or cannot afford the basics for a new cat, or they are elderly and concerned that they might outlive the new cat. Or they are holding out for the cat who feels "right."

When to get another cat is another consideration. There is no "right time" to go and get another cat, if indeed you ever do. Some people, often those with no other cats, cannot bear the emptiness of their home and go and get another cat quite quickly, within a week of losing their first cat. Others wait weeks, months. or even years.

The only important thing is to do what feels right for you personally at a time when it feels right. If it does not feel right, then don't do it.

If you feel guilty for contemplating getting another cat, let those feelings go. A new cat can never "replace" your cat, because they are all different and unique. A new cat would be a successor, not a replacement. However, if you feel fear, or dread, or as if you "ought to" adopt, then it is probably better to wait for a while.

When Indie died very suddenly and unexpectedly many years later, my reaction was very different. I began looking for another cat the next day. I still have no idea why I felt I had to do this, but I did, it just felt right this time around. Not only that, but having not adopted a kitten for many years, I suddenly felt I had to have kittens.

If you do get another cat, in my experience it can often help with the grieving experience. I could not bring Indie back, but I had to smile when I watched my kittens play. I say that even though the first kitten who succeeded Indie died less than five weeks after he arrived (of an undetected heart condition).

Nevertheless, be prepared for a period of uncertainty at first, when you find yourself comparing your new cat to your deceased cat and find the new cat wanting. You may subconsciously have hoped that your new cat would be a clone of your deceased cat, only to be disappointed. Be patient, both with the new cat and yourself. This is a new relationship, and you need to give it time to grow. If you do that, you should gradually learn to appreciate your new cat's quirks and unique personality. You may also be anxious about your new cat, panicking at every possible sign of ill health. This is normal after a loss, but should improve with time.

Remember, love is infinite. Loving a new cat does not mean you have less love for your deceased cat; rather, your heart will grow as you learn to love your new cat.

If you are not 100% sure, but want to help cats, you could consider either volunteering at your local shelter, or fostering rather than adoption. This way, you can help a cat in need but without a permanent commitment.

If you already have another cat who is older and you decide to get another cat, I would think twice about getting a kitten. It can be hard for elderly people to cope with young babies and toddlers, and the same goes for cats, especially if a young kitten keeps trying to play with the older cat. I would consider getting a cat who is a bit older and beyond the manic youngster stage. If you do decide to go for a kitten, get two: that way they can play together, and the older cat can watch their antics but not be worn out by being asked to play all the time. This is what I did after Indie died. I still had Karma, who was sixteen, so in fairness to her I eventually adopted two kittens, so they could entertain Karma by playing together, but leave her in peace. Karma had severe arthritis and was not very mobile but she was very interested in the kittens and I feel watching them did give her pleasure.

I shall walk in the Sun above,

Whose golden light you loved.

I shall sleep alone and, stirring, touch an empty place.

I shall write uninterrupted.

Would that your gentle paw could stir my moving

pen just once again.

I shall see beauty, but none to match

your living grace.

I shall hear music, but none so sweet as the

droning song with which you loved me.

I shall fill my days, but I shall not, can not, forget.

Sleep soft dear friend, for while I live

You shall not die."

Michael Joseph